To be a Well

To be a well….

Recently I’ve been praying for God to turn my heart into a wellspring. My desire is for the deep love, deep communion. Jesus said, “if anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water’.”

Just to be near Him… to be like Him… to know Him. I long to be fully surrendered… though every day the flesh within me revolts back. The Lord gave me a neat vision one day while I prayed about these things… I imagined my heart as a well for Holy Spirit’s living water… I saw in this vision the tool being used to dig the well deeper as TRUST. As TRUST dug into the depths of my heart, deep LOVE began to flow…. Christians often wonder why it is so hard to make an impact in our world… yet Jesus promises that rivers of living water will flow from us and bring life to wherever it reaches. What we fail to understand is that to be a well is to be fully yielded. When we open our hearts to the Father, He begins to lead us on this road to an ever-deepening trust in Him.

What did God do with the Israelites immediately after the miraculous escape from the bondage of Egypt…? He led them to the wilderness… He gave them bread from heaven to sustain them for the day… He guided them into the unknown by a pillar of smoke and fire… and He taught them to be utterly dependent on Him. He showed them how to trust.

I am learning to trust my heavenly Father with everything… and it’s absolutely the most beautiful journey I have ever been on. There is no higher privilege. I feel as though my eyes have been opened to a new world. In this deep trust, I can see His deep love for me… I am moved in the little ways He provides for me… In this place, I am truly free.

And as He breaks ground within my heart… God loves to unearth large rocks that keep Him from moving deeper… These rocks are more commonly known as fears.

Fear, in its truest form, withholds us from the deeper things of God… But so often, when the challenge to trust digs at the mire of our hearts, we shrink back and harden, forgetting the One who brings us to that place. I have discovered that choosing to trust and worship God despite the uncertainty and within the trial is truly our greatest honor as His children. He is always worthy of our trust, always worthy of our praise. When I remember His character… when I remember Jesus on the cross… when I remember the whispers of Holy Spirit that have pierced to the depths of my soul… I am certain there nothing to hold back from Him, nothing to fear. In that instant, another stone in my heart is unearthed. Deep love springs forth and my heart overflows…love becomes second nature. I am aware of His heart once again.

Thank you, my God, for demanding nothing less than all of me. There is nothing like being open, vulnerable, known before You. There is absolutely nothing like it.

John 7:37-39, Hosea 2:14-15

HE IS REAL

And all I know is that He is real, and He is good, and I can trust Him….

This declaration sustained me through a lot over these past 6 months. When I would speak it over myself, peace like none other would flood my anxious heart. In the secret place, in those quiet moments with my Father, it felt so right to say those words. They sunk deep and I let them have their way. There is something profoundly simple that happens inside when you let God truly be real, truly be who He says He is, and truly have your all your trust. I’ve known nothing like it.

But then life…

Suddenly I see my day, and what I have going on, and my reality seems a little more real than reality Himself. Terrible things happen and God seems a little less good. And worst of all I look at myself and see all the ways I continue to screw up and I tell Him ‘I’m sorry, I’ll do better next time’ not realizing that in that moment I’m choosing this relentless striving to please God over trusting Him… the only thing He ever really wants from me…. And suddenly I am ripped from this place of peace, this place of trust…and in seemingly small ways my heart is hardened.

Its so easy for my heart to become hard to Him again…much too easy. I know my heart is hardening, sulking back into the shadows my tiny reality, when my joy and peace is gone. I start looking to myself for righteousness. Suddenly I’m tempted with things I totally thought I had dealt with. And all these ministry tasks feel a little less like privileges and more like obligations. Every day I’m forced to fight the urge in my mind to make God less than who He is. And every day I pray for God to soften my heart toward Him… because I literally can’t even do that on my own. Maybe growing in God is simply allowing Him to become more real, by seeing Him in daily moments…

You know those times when you’re absolutely lost in worship? Where giving everything away seems like nothing compared to the glory of the One before you…. Where literally every worry seems so dim in comparison to His marvelous light. If you know what I’m talking about you know there’s no place better…. But what if we actually just stayed there? What would my life even look like? How amazing would that be…to be just so ridiculously soft towards Him… so aware of His heart. So believing. It certainly sounds incredible, but if I’m honest, somewhat terrifying…. because in this place I am consumed.

But again I hear… and peace returns… a whisper that He is real, He is good, and I can trust Him.

Hebrews 12: 18-29

Doubt

Well… this is my first post… definitely feeling the pressure. Which is ironic because I literally have 0 followers. Nevertheless, these are my honest thoughts lately…

Recently, I’ve been struggling with doubt. God feels distant and my emotions are extremely inconsistent. Its not that I doubt His existence, but I doubt the intricacies of His character. I doubt the way He feels about me. I don’t want to doubt God, yet I do. Why? Maybe because sometimes believing in an intimate, all-loving, completely gracious God just seems all too good to be true. Maybe sometimes things in the Bible seem to contradict themselves because my finite mind can’t understand. Or maybe because God doesn’t always come through with the thing that I believe would be the most loving at the time… I can’t really say why I doubt. Maybe its the enemy waging war over my thoughts or maybe its just the flesh in me revolting against the truth my spirit craves.

If I’m honest its probably all of the above.

But doubt is a joy-stealer and a liar. He takes away my hope and leaves me empty.  Why do I even give him a second glance when I’ve already decided what I believe? When I’ve already set my heart in the exact opposite years ago…

As I prayed about this, a picture came to mind that helped me understand the true destructiveness and consequences of living in doubt. If God and His gracious love for us is the foundation, the rock, on which we build our lives…doubt is what keeps us at ground level. We don’t trust the foundation so we never build. I see this all the time in the church… We don’t go beyond or comfort zones, we don’t trust Him with the finances, we don’t go the extra distance for God because frankly… we don’t trust the foundation enough to leave ground level.

As humans we doubt….because we suck. But doubt will not lead me. Today I refuse to believe my immediate emotions over His Word, over His innumerable works and wonders. Today I refuse to believe silence is unloving. He is love and when I look at the cross I know it full well. I have to believe because I’m building…recklessly building.

1 Peter 2:4-6.